domingo, 1 de noviembre de 2009

QUE ME AGARRE CONFESADA


He visto la demostración de cómo ponerse la mascarilla en caso de despresurización en el avión. Sé perfectamente cómo ajustar la hebilla del cinturón de seguridad. Reconozco las salidas de emergencia y sé que en caso de evacuación en el agua, el salvavidas debe inflarse jalando o soplando por las boquillas. Sé que se encuentra debajo de la silla y que su hurto será penalizado. Sé que durante el despegue debo permanecer sentada con la ventanilla abierta, que una vez se cierran las puertas debemos apagar los objetos electrónicos y sé perfectamente que no me gusta volar. Sobre todo sé eso, no me gusta volar.
Soy de esas primitivas que sigue pensando que por algo los seres humanos no tenemos alas y aunque mi hija me siga explicando la lógica que hace que un avión se eleve, creo fervientemente que soy un animal terrestre. Mi pensamiento, anquilosado posiblemente, no pretende hacerle una campaña negativa a alguna aerolínea. Mi pensamiento, que me causa vergüenza, sólo se explica por la profunda desconfianza que siento que esa enorme máquina se venga al suelo sin una ligera probabilidad de que quede viva.
Volar es la forma más rápida, más cómoda y más segura de viajar. Aún para personas que como yo, lo sufren y no lo disfrutan. Aunque siento que este miedo es disfuncional, creo además, que lo comparto con mucha gente. Son muchos los que veo persignarse en el avión, son muchos los que veo apretar los dientes y son muchos los que se agarran fuertemente de la silla en caso de una turbulencia. He presenciado gente gritar, llorar y hasta sentirse ahogada.
Una vez viajé con el vicepresidente Santos y recuerdo que estaba acompañado de un militar. Los hombres iban sentados muy cerca a mí. Vi como le pidió a la auxiliar de vuelo que lo cambiara de lugar en el avión, le dijo que se sentía un poco mal, algo agobiado tal vez, y la mujer lo cambió de puesto. Lo llevó a clase ejecutiva y no supe más de él hasta que nos bajamos del avión. Algo me hizo presentir que tampoco le gusta volar, pero le toca.
No pretendo establecer parecidos entre el vicepresidente y yo, sería infructuoso y poco divertido, pero es obvio que mucha gente siente temor a situaciones como estas. No digo solo al avión. En otros casos, la gente siente que la muerte se puede estar dando su paseo de cerquita y la sensación de finitud y de vulnerabilidad se aferra a cada partícula de aire que se respira.
Bien, sufro con los aviones, ese es mi secreto, pero no está mal sentirnos mortales de vez en cuando. He observado que justo cuando aparece esa sensación de vulnerabilidad frente a la vida y la muerte, justo en ese momento se presentan unas intensas ganas de “ponerse al día con los afectos” y es allí cuando empezamos a decir aquello que no hemos dicho.
Conocí a un hombre - no era el vicepresidente Santos- que escribía cartas de despedida durante los vuelos. Aprovechaba las últimas hojas de los libros o incluso servilletas y allí trazaba desesperadamente últimas cartas. No murió en un accidente aéreo. De hecho, no ha muerto aún por otro causa. Pero son muchas las cartas que supe que hizo, muchas de ellas, al aterrizar, terminaban en la basura. Otras, quedaban como evidencia en las contraportadas de sus libros.
Nunca escribió sobre herencia alguna, porque de hecho era poco lo que poseía. Eran cartas en las que esencialmente escribía sobre sus sentimientos, sobre las verdades de su corazón, sobre las confesiones de sus afectos, sobre los te quiero que sentía que no había dicho. Todas, eran cartas de amor.
No considero que esté mal escribir esto en los momentos críticos de la vida. Sólo me pregunto ¿por qué esperar los críticos? Si tan desesperadamente tenemos que escribir lo no dicho y ese texto tiene varias líneas, es posible que andemos por la vida con un costal de afectos amarrados. Es posible que necesitemos de la muerte para, por fin, vomitar lo que nuestro pobre corazón tiene atrapado.
Lo crítico de la vida ocurre a cada instante. La muerte es una posibilidad ineludible de los vivos. Si de escribir cartas confesionales se trata, tendremos que estar confesados todos los días. No esperar subirnos a un avión para hacer el ridículo de escribir una carta que -no es por sonar pesimista-, será bastante improbable que sea hallada.
Insisto, volar es el medio de transporte más seguro. Nuestros miedos a la muerte pueden estar sujetos a unos acontecimientos, pero la muerte puede estar asociada a los más inimaginables e impredecibles. Tener esta consciencia no debe torturarnos, pero debe ser la razón que nos obligue a sentirnos finitos y a tener la necesidad de expresar lo que sentimos cuando lo sentimos.
Sólo espero que cuando llegue la muerte, mi cuerpo no se hinche por las palabras de amor que no dije, por todos los afectos no expresados. Sólo espero que cuando llegue la muerte, me agarre confesada… no tanto de los pecados… como de los amores.

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